It happens slowly at first. You don’t want to get out of bed one morning. Or maybe you avoid your friends. Perhaps you fail a test because of how stressed it made you. Maybe you think you look particularly unattractive that day. But eventually it becomes more. You start to hate everything about yourself. You see no point in life. Your thoughts eat you alive at night, and you can’t drag yourself out from under the covers in the morning. You can’t convince yourself to get anything accomplished. You’re exhausted. You stop eating all together. Your self hatred, your depression just hits you like a train. One day, you realize that it’s gotten out of control, but you have no idea how. You can’t remember the last time you were happy. And you want to die. This sorrow, this sadness, this hopeless slowly infects your soul. It poisons you so quietly that you don’t notice until it’s too late.
It’s okay to not want to get out of bed for a day because it feels as if things are never getting better. It’s okay to cry and to not want to talk to people for a few days. It happens and no one should feel embarrassed by it.
These emotions make you stronger. They make you wiser. You cannot experience happiness without feeling like shit a couple times in your life because you will not treasure that moment for what it is.
It’s okay to fuck up. But acknowledge it. Acknowledge your emotions so that when the time is right and you are ready to get back up again, you know exactly how to deal with it.
I know I’m not exactly where I want to be in life. And I know things will get better… I’m sure of it. I know that I’m an awesome individual and I am my greatest supporter, but for this moment, things aren’t great. And I’m okay with that as well. I’ve allowed it into my life and the only great thing I can do with it is to write about it.
The emptiness I feel scares me. Like nothing is ever going to fulfill me or satisfy me. It’s like my days have turned into a series of unhappy mornings and sleepless nights.
I don’t know what it is or what’s missing or what’s wrong.
I feel so empty.
And I can’t fix it.